Principles of Communication - (Part Three) The Real-Life Theatre

In case you haven't noticed, my blogging time is usually early in the morning, or late in the evening, or both. It's either the tail end of my day - or the tail end of my night. So if you come across evidences of this in my posts, just remember that 'love covereth a multitude of transgressions'. :P

So, if you've read the previous two 'parts', it's evident that I put a fairly strong emphasis on the foundational role that communication plays in relationships. Now it's time to take a little look at the role that relationships play in communication. All our communications, in this world and out of it, take place in one or more categories of relationship.

There's the category of strangers - better known as 'public relations' (PR).
There's the category of business relations.
There's the category of friends.
And there's the category of family.

'Public relations' is that area of general everything. We can't address the public personally and individually because we neither know them nor they us. For most of us however, because we're not newscast anchorpeople, PR occupies a fairly small portion of our communication, even though it comprises the largest share of of humanity. This category is the target of political sciences and all manner of other similar efforts.

Then there's business. (All of these categories are bound to overlap in some way, by the way.) Business relations are work relations. They may be people we work for, or work with. This category is more weighty than the first because we are handling people's money, and time, and goods. This is the category of communication where we need to be willing to 'put our money where our mouth is'. Believe me, business relations bring in plenty of problems every day that need to be resolved. It'll bring intimidating salesmen, irate customers - and also some great friends.

Friends. And this is where the relationship scale tips toward the personal side. Friends are great - they're people we share with, people we work with, and people we play with. Friends sharpen us - 'as iron sharpeneth iron'. And sometimes, friends even become family. :P

Oh yes, the family. This is the inner sanctum of all human relationships. This is the category of relationship where all comes to the test. If we thought 'putting our money where our mouth is' was easy, try putting our actions where our mouth is, and when we think that's easy- try putting our heart where our mouth is! We don't get away with anything, do we?
This is where all that talk gets tested in real life. We live together, eat together, grow up together, (or grow old together,) work together, play together, (fight together... might as well put that in there) - and we have all those witnesses to make sure we don't get away with anything. On top of it all, we have the complexity of honoring parental authority, and being an example to our siblings.

Sometimes we feel so confident, well-grounded, and articulate when talking with our friends - and then we face our parents and it all evaporates. Why? Because we have no covers! The more personal the relationship is - the more vulnerable we are to each other. But that vulnerability is an incredible blessing because it's what probes and proves us. It's where every one of us is going to have to learn the reality of relationships, and the elements of communication.

But there's one step even more personal than our relationship with our family, and that's our relationship with our Creator. This is vulnerability at the highest form - the creature before the Creator. We might be able to get away from our family, but we can't get away from God. Our family might know us, but God knows our hearts. He will probe us, and prove us, and more than that, He will cleanse us with burning live coals.


And then, we who were of unclean lips, can stand before Him, and say "Here am I; send me".

Principles of Communication - (Part Two) Communicating Successfully

Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips,
and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen
the King, the LORD of hosts. Then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a
live coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar: And
he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine
iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged. Also I heard the voice of
the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here
am I; send me. (Isaiah 6:5-8)

Lord, take away our iniquity, and purge our sin. We are of unclean lips - lay the coal of your Spirit upon us, for then, and only then, can we be sent as your messengers.

As I previously mentioned, communication is so integrally tied with relationships that the two become inseparable. Now for each type of relationship, there is a corresponding type of communication. But even so, the success of each relationship, whether it be a business relationship, a friend/friend relationship, a parent/child relationship, or a husband/wife relationship, is inherently tied to the success of the communication that runs that relationship. Obviously, the communication of a marriage relationship is significantly more personal than that of a business relationship, and the parent/child relationship is more complex than the friend/friend relationship. Each of these require a different type of communication, but they all require successful communication if they are to be successful relationships.

The principles of successful communication, as I have learned them, seem to go in pairs. For each rule, there exists a clarifying corollary. For each point, there is a fundamental counterpoint. Now, I won't make this into another Prof. Wiio job, but I'll try to lay it out so that it will provide some tangible principles for us to work on.

Rule # 1: Communication is all about listening.
Actions speak louder than words - and listening is one those actions. You see, lack of this is what usually begins the frustrations of communication breakdowns. If I don't pay appropriate attention to what you are saying, you can put great effort into getting your point across to me, and it never gets there. When you're listening to someone, put effort into maximizing the efficacy of their words. Maybe they're hard to understand - maybe they have a hard time putting their thoughts into words in a way that is clear and concise. Do it for them. Pick up the strain of thought, and if necessary, paraphrase it to yourself in the way that you would have expressed that thought. You may edit words, but never, never, edit the thought.
1.1 - (corollary counterpoint of rule #1) Listening is not-
clamping my lip, biting my tongue, or grinding my teeth. Listening is not about sitting there and feeling myself hard done by. Listening is not about being quiet until I can talk again. It's not about sitting there looking a bit spaced out - thinking what I'll say as soon as you've finished. Ultimately, listening is not about me, it's about you.
1.2 - (the clarification corollary)
Don't assume that you've understood it - establish that understanding by giving intelligent feedback of what you understand me to be saying.

Rule # 2: Don't pick fights, resolve problems.
An antagonistic, combative approach to a problem will rarely result in successful resolution or successful communication. Make no mistake, we won't be able to avoid being on the receiving end - but here's a little secret: It takes two to fight. So if someone launches into us in attack mode, and we really feel like we need be on the defensive, forget it - it's not even worth the effort. Defensive communication is the very mark of insecurity and immaturity. It only makes us vulnerable and aggravated. If we're wrong, admit it. If we are secure, there is no need to be defensive. Hear it out, determine the real problem, and take steps to resolve it.
2.1 (corollary counterpoint) Don't Duck the Difficulties.
Sometimes for the sake of peace, we avoid the touchy issues. We pass over the problems to get away from the stress of dealing with it. Been there, done that - there's a word for it, and it's procrastination - forget it. Which is more stressful, an unresolved problem or a resolved problem? Don't make issues out of non-issues, and don't make non-issues out of issues. If there's a problem, deal with it. If there's no problem, don't make one.
2.2 (clarification corollary)
This, of course, takes wisdom. If we don't know how to resolve a problem, first we need to admit that fact, and secondly, we need to seek counsel. Absolutely every challenge that comes our way is one more learning opportunity. Don't duck them, catch them.

Rule # 3: Communicating Honestly.
In all this, there is no principle more important than to be honest in all things. I can spend a lot of time listening to you, but if I'm only hearing what I want to hear, my listening is in vain, and your speaking has profited nothing. Likewise if I'm talking to you, and only saying what I think you want to hear, we may have all the appearances of successful communication, but it is nothing more than an illusion. And illusions lead to disillusions, and disillusions to delusions.
3.1 (corollary counterpoint)
Honest communication is not me giving you 'a piece of my mind'. It is not me telling you all about the speck in your eye. Honest communication is about me removing the beam out of my eye, so that you and I can look each other clearly in the eye when we speak, with malice toward none, and charity toward all.
3.2 (clarifying corollary)
So what happens when you're trying to be honest, and I'm not? What happens when you're trying to communicate, and I'm not? When you're doing your best, and I'm doing my worst? (Firstly, if that 'me' is 'me', send 'me' back here.)

Well, this challenge is a very real life challenge. I don't have a cure, but I can tell you that it takes patience, it takes prayer, and it takes perseverance. And sometimes, it comes not out except by prayer and fasting. These situations exist to keep us humble, and on our knees. They may be a veritable fiery furnace, but I assure you that any trial that comes our way will be a refining fire if we 'take it to the Lord in prayer'.

I could go on and on with more technicalities of communication, but you know what, all of it is summed up in one verse - James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:



We're still learning, and trust me, we won't ever exhaust that frontier of challenges. Sometimes it exhausts us, but 'lift up thine eyes, for redemption draweth nigh'.

I don't know, does this need a third part?

Principles of Communication - (Part One) Eliminating the Fundamental Obstruction

So... I'm sitting here trying to think of a good slick beginning to what I'm trying to get started on, but maybe I'll drop the frills for now and 'cut to the chase'.

Communication. And communication skills.

First I'm going to give you a link, and once you have tired of that, you may at your convenience and leisure peruse this attempt of mine at communicating (to you) what I have learned in the last decade or so about the building blocks of successful communication.

I'm not necessarily thinking about rhetoric/eloquence/thought articulation, (which I aptly demonstrated lack of with the start of this post) but of the communication that is absolutely essential to any human relationship. Or perhaps rather, to the success of any human relationship. Communication, after all, only exists because humans were made to relate to their fellow humans.

Communication is more than the ability to talk. I can go outside and talk my teeth out to the wind, but that's not communication.

Communication is more than the ability to write. I can write until the end of the world, but writing, of itself, is nothing more than a black hole.

Communication is, simply, communication. It's what connects you and I right now. You're reading what I wrote and perhaps comprehending my thoughts. Without communication, my thoughts remain inside this skull, and your thoughts do the same. But when this mysterious thing called communication takes place, my thoughts enter into your mind, and you then have a connection with me. ( Now of course, if you take the time to comment, we may be able to reciprocate that phenomenon, and we'll have a two-way connection going.)

But it seems that whatever the method of communication, whether writing, or talking, or one of the many other elements that add to these, there are occasionally 'breakdowns'. Something happened, somewhere between my brain and yours, and the thought which was converted into words, which was transmitted, received, and converted into thought, became something different in your mind than it was in mine. (But in this environment, there's a good probability that things are going smoothly. And to put your mind at ease, I have no intent to demonstrate a 'breakdown of communication here.)

I think I'm going to have to break this down into two parts, or this will run rather long for a blog post. We'll get to the building blocks of successful communication, but first we need to dig for a foundation - we need to eliminate

Obstructions to successful communication


If you're old enough to be reading this, I'm sure you've realized by now that in this world, there are some people that can be pretty hard to get along with. And this is not so much insight as it is hindsight - communication makes or breaks a relationship. If we there is successful communication between two people, there is a successful relationship between those two people. And if there is a breakdown in communication between those two people, then there is that much breakdown in their relationship.

'Growing up', I believe that pretty much any one of us has experienced a 'communication meltdown'. For example, one of those incidents where a communication episode with our parents over some domestic conflict deteriorates to the point where things start overheating, people get upset, and usually at that point any hope of a resolution for the conflict in question is likely not to be fulfilled in that episode. And I'm not kidding that these incidents often result in tears, anger, and even rebellion.

So where does this breakdown occur? I assure you that it does not occur anywhere in the empty space between my brain and yours - it is purely reactionary. That reaction occurs in my mind and heart, and in your mind and heart.

What makes it happen?

From experience I can assure you that the number one factor that fuels a communication meltdown is - pride. And likewise the number one factor that fuels a relationship breakdown is - pride.

So what do we do? Start arguing about which one of us has the worst pride, and was in the wrong? And the whole cycle starts over again. James wrote in absolute truth If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.

You see, pride makes it impossible for us to bridle our tongue. Why? Because it causes us to deceive our own heart. And if we are deceiving our own heart, how is it possible that we can expect ourselves to be capable of successful communication? Under these conditions, our communication module has only two modes - talking, and not talking. Under these conditions, 'being honest and open' means 'here, I'll give you a piece of my mind'.

Here's the crunch point: Communication is not about talking. Successful communication is about listening. I guarantee that any tense discussion can become successful communication by simply - listening. Listening until there's nothing left to say. And then still listening.

So the single fundamental obstruction to successful communication is an unbridled tongue, and the tongue cannot be bridled because the heart is deceived, and our heart is deceived because of our pride.

I assure you that this pride can only, and will only, lead to shame and isolation, but in humility we are lifted up.

Coming up next, principles of successful communication for successful relationships.