Principles of Communication - (Part Two) Communicating Successfully

Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips,
and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen
the King, the LORD of hosts. Then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a
live coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar: And
he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine
iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged. Also I heard the voice of
the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here
am I; send me. (Isaiah 6:5-8)

Lord, take away our iniquity, and purge our sin. We are of unclean lips - lay the coal of your Spirit upon us, for then, and only then, can we be sent as your messengers.

As I previously mentioned, communication is so integrally tied with relationships that the two become inseparable. Now for each type of relationship, there is a corresponding type of communication. But even so, the success of each relationship, whether it be a business relationship, a friend/friend relationship, a parent/child relationship, or a husband/wife relationship, is inherently tied to the success of the communication that runs that relationship. Obviously, the communication of a marriage relationship is significantly more personal than that of a business relationship, and the parent/child relationship is more complex than the friend/friend relationship. Each of these require a different type of communication, but they all require successful communication if they are to be successful relationships.

The principles of successful communication, as I have learned them, seem to go in pairs. For each rule, there exists a clarifying corollary. For each point, there is a fundamental counterpoint. Now, I won't make this into another Prof. Wiio job, but I'll try to lay it out so that it will provide some tangible principles for us to work on.

Rule # 1: Communication is all about listening.
Actions speak louder than words - and listening is one those actions. You see, lack of this is what usually begins the frustrations of communication breakdowns. If I don't pay appropriate attention to what you are saying, you can put great effort into getting your point across to me, and it never gets there. When you're listening to someone, put effort into maximizing the efficacy of their words. Maybe they're hard to understand - maybe they have a hard time putting their thoughts into words in a way that is clear and concise. Do it for them. Pick up the strain of thought, and if necessary, paraphrase it to yourself in the way that you would have expressed that thought. You may edit words, but never, never, edit the thought.
1.1 - (corollary counterpoint of rule #1) Listening is not-
clamping my lip, biting my tongue, or grinding my teeth. Listening is not about sitting there and feeling myself hard done by. Listening is not about being quiet until I can talk again. It's not about sitting there looking a bit spaced out - thinking what I'll say as soon as you've finished. Ultimately, listening is not about me, it's about you.
1.2 - (the clarification corollary)
Don't assume that you've understood it - establish that understanding by giving intelligent feedback of what you understand me to be saying.

Rule # 2: Don't pick fights, resolve problems.
An antagonistic, combative approach to a problem will rarely result in successful resolution or successful communication. Make no mistake, we won't be able to avoid being on the receiving end - but here's a little secret: It takes two to fight. So if someone launches into us in attack mode, and we really feel like we need be on the defensive, forget it - it's not even worth the effort. Defensive communication is the very mark of insecurity and immaturity. It only makes us vulnerable and aggravated. If we're wrong, admit it. If we are secure, there is no need to be defensive. Hear it out, determine the real problem, and take steps to resolve it.
2.1 (corollary counterpoint) Don't Duck the Difficulties.
Sometimes for the sake of peace, we avoid the touchy issues. We pass over the problems to get away from the stress of dealing with it. Been there, done that - there's a word for it, and it's procrastination - forget it. Which is more stressful, an unresolved problem or a resolved problem? Don't make issues out of non-issues, and don't make non-issues out of issues. If there's a problem, deal with it. If there's no problem, don't make one.
2.2 (clarification corollary)
This, of course, takes wisdom. If we don't know how to resolve a problem, first we need to admit that fact, and secondly, we need to seek counsel. Absolutely every challenge that comes our way is one more learning opportunity. Don't duck them, catch them.

Rule # 3: Communicating Honestly.
In all this, there is no principle more important than to be honest in all things. I can spend a lot of time listening to you, but if I'm only hearing what I want to hear, my listening is in vain, and your speaking has profited nothing. Likewise if I'm talking to you, and only saying what I think you want to hear, we may have all the appearances of successful communication, but it is nothing more than an illusion. And illusions lead to disillusions, and disillusions to delusions.
3.1 (corollary counterpoint)
Honest communication is not me giving you 'a piece of my mind'. It is not me telling you all about the speck in your eye. Honest communication is about me removing the beam out of my eye, so that you and I can look each other clearly in the eye when we speak, with malice toward none, and charity toward all.
3.2 (clarifying corollary)
So what happens when you're trying to be honest, and I'm not? What happens when you're trying to communicate, and I'm not? When you're doing your best, and I'm doing my worst? (Firstly, if that 'me' is 'me', send 'me' back here.)

Well, this challenge is a very real life challenge. I don't have a cure, but I can tell you that it takes patience, it takes prayer, and it takes perseverance. And sometimes, it comes not out except by prayer and fasting. These situations exist to keep us humble, and on our knees. They may be a veritable fiery furnace, but I assure you that any trial that comes our way will be a refining fire if we 'take it to the Lord in prayer'.

I could go on and on with more technicalities of communication, but you know what, all of it is summed up in one verse - James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:



We're still learning, and trust me, we won't ever exhaust that frontier of challenges. Sometimes it exhausts us, but 'lift up thine eyes, for redemption draweth nigh'.

I don't know, does this need a third part?