Principles of Communication - (Part One) Eliminating the Fundamental Obstruction

So... I'm sitting here trying to think of a good slick beginning to what I'm trying to get started on, but maybe I'll drop the frills for now and 'cut to the chase'.

Communication. And communication skills.

First I'm going to give you a link, and once you have tired of that, you may at your convenience and leisure peruse this attempt of mine at communicating (to you) what I have learned in the last decade or so about the building blocks of successful communication.

I'm not necessarily thinking about rhetoric/eloquence/thought articulation, (which I aptly demonstrated lack of with the start of this post) but of the communication that is absolutely essential to any human relationship. Or perhaps rather, to the success of any human relationship. Communication, after all, only exists because humans were made to relate to their fellow humans.

Communication is more than the ability to talk. I can go outside and talk my teeth out to the wind, but that's not communication.

Communication is more than the ability to write. I can write until the end of the world, but writing, of itself, is nothing more than a black hole.

Communication is, simply, communication. It's what connects you and I right now. You're reading what I wrote and perhaps comprehending my thoughts. Without communication, my thoughts remain inside this skull, and your thoughts do the same. But when this mysterious thing called communication takes place, my thoughts enter into your mind, and you then have a connection with me. ( Now of course, if you take the time to comment, we may be able to reciprocate that phenomenon, and we'll have a two-way connection going.)

But it seems that whatever the method of communication, whether writing, or talking, or one of the many other elements that add to these, there are occasionally 'breakdowns'. Something happened, somewhere between my brain and yours, and the thought which was converted into words, which was transmitted, received, and converted into thought, became something different in your mind than it was in mine. (But in this environment, there's a good probability that things are going smoothly. And to put your mind at ease, I have no intent to demonstrate a 'breakdown of communication here.)

I think I'm going to have to break this down into two parts, or this will run rather long for a blog post. We'll get to the building blocks of successful communication, but first we need to dig for a foundation - we need to eliminate

Obstructions to successful communication


If you're old enough to be reading this, I'm sure you've realized by now that in this world, there are some people that can be pretty hard to get along with. And this is not so much insight as it is hindsight - communication makes or breaks a relationship. If we there is successful communication between two people, there is a successful relationship between those two people. And if there is a breakdown in communication between those two people, then there is that much breakdown in their relationship.

'Growing up', I believe that pretty much any one of us has experienced a 'communication meltdown'. For example, one of those incidents where a communication episode with our parents over some domestic conflict deteriorates to the point where things start overheating, people get upset, and usually at that point any hope of a resolution for the conflict in question is likely not to be fulfilled in that episode. And I'm not kidding that these incidents often result in tears, anger, and even rebellion.

So where does this breakdown occur? I assure you that it does not occur anywhere in the empty space between my brain and yours - it is purely reactionary. That reaction occurs in my mind and heart, and in your mind and heart.

What makes it happen?

From experience I can assure you that the number one factor that fuels a communication meltdown is - pride. And likewise the number one factor that fuels a relationship breakdown is - pride.

So what do we do? Start arguing about which one of us has the worst pride, and was in the wrong? And the whole cycle starts over again. James wrote in absolute truth If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.

You see, pride makes it impossible for us to bridle our tongue. Why? Because it causes us to deceive our own heart. And if we are deceiving our own heart, how is it possible that we can expect ourselves to be capable of successful communication? Under these conditions, our communication module has only two modes - talking, and not talking. Under these conditions, 'being honest and open' means 'here, I'll give you a piece of my mind'.

Here's the crunch point: Communication is not about talking. Successful communication is about listening. I guarantee that any tense discussion can become successful communication by simply - listening. Listening until there's nothing left to say. And then still listening.

So the single fundamental obstruction to successful communication is an unbridled tongue, and the tongue cannot be bridled because the heart is deceived, and our heart is deceived because of our pride.

I assure you that this pride can only, and will only, lead to shame and isolation, but in humility we are lifted up.

Coming up next, principles of successful communication for successful relationships.